Remembering Baby Blue

October 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It’s a special day, because it’s meant to celebrate the short lives of all babies lost during pregnancy, or soon thereafter. It’s a day where I remember the baby I lost 4 years ago. We call him/her Baby Blue, because we first saw the heartbeating on our ultrasound when Baby Blue was the size of a blueberry. About a week later, there was no more heartbeat.

Losing a baby is one of the hardest things Ive been though. Its not just the baby you are losing, but all the hopes, thoughts, and dreams you had for that baby. One minute we were a family of 4, and the next we were again only 3. After my daughter was born I didnt dream of having anymore, I have some health conditions that make getting pregnant very difficult. So when I took that pregnancy test on a whim, and it was positive, well, I was floored. We were thrilled.  It was a miracle. But, it wasnt meant to be. I would get to spend about 8 weeks with Baby Blue growing inside me. Hoping and dreaming, and falling more in love everyday. Then the bleeding started, and the world crashed down around me. I knew. In that instant, I knew. I hoped for the best, but at the ultrasound the next day my fears were confirmed. “Im sorry, but there is no heartbeat.”

This year I was invited to attend a candle lighting at the Garden of the Sleeping Angels on October 15th. This wonderful woman, Nancy, has turned her yard into gardens where she places angel plaques with the names of babies lost among the flowers. Its absolutely beautiful, and peaceful. Baby Blue will soon have a plaque placed in the gardens as well.

At sunset we lit candles, for the babies we had lost, and for all the babies who are memorialized in the gardens. Over 60 babies have plaques there, and each got a candle.

Above are the candles we lit for Baby Blue, and then there’s my daughter, holding her candle for the sibling she will never know here on earth.

I wanted to do something for Nancy, to show her that all her hard work is more than appreciated, but something that the mother’s of angels need. A beautiful place to go and remember, and heal. Of course I immediately thought I’d knit her something. I wanted to knit something with an angel theme. I loved the look of these angel wing cables I came accross, but couldnt find a pattern I liked that used them. So I decided to write a pattern. Im writing it for a pair of fingerless gloves with the cables on the top of each one. Its been challenging, but I have test knit the left glove, and working out the thumb hole on the right one. My plan, if it turns out, is to offer the finished pattern on ravelry for a small fee, and then donating all proceeds back to the garden. Pattern writing is difficult, but I think Im getting things to look they way I imagined. I will post more about the Garden of the Sleeping Angels Fingerless Gloves once the pattern is available.

Visiting those gardens, on that special day, was very meaningful to me. Im so glad that I was able to be there, and Im looking forward to visiting again.

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About zenren

I am in my mid-thirties, and blissfully married to a guy named Dave with whom I have a 15 year old daughter named Anela, and she is my world. I'm the RN Clinical Nurse Manager of a Transitional Care Unit where I work extremely hard to make my nurses and my patients happy. I knit shawls, and hats, and baby sweaters. I obsessively use Burt's Bees lip balm. I love spending weekends on our little slice of lake in northern Minnesota, and laying in the grass near the bonfire on a cool spring night with the kiddo watching for shooting stars while eating gooey s'mores with sticky fingers. I enjoy wrapping up in over-sized, snuggly warm sweaters in the autumn and going for walks with the smell of fallen leaves and trees blazing with color. I read a lot of self-help books. I frequently do not answer my cell phone. My husband adores me because of my quirks, not in spite of them, and I do my best to appreciate that. Im learning to meditate, and have a weakness for a good cup of tea. My nephew is adoreable, and brings me so much joy. I knit to wind down, stay sane, and create beautiful things.
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